Category Archives: marriage counseling

Toxic Relationships: Recognizing Key Signs

Written on January 6, 2013 by main in abusive relationships, divorce, dr. Hokemeyer, Family Health, marriage counseling, Middle Aged Woman, process addiction, relationship, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health, Uncategorized

Toxic Relationship

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is any relationship we have with another person that makes us feel drained, anxious or less then. Instead of building us up and making us feel good about ourselves, these relationships break us down in subtle and not so subtle ways. We can have toxic relationships with just about anyone, from the receptionist at the dentist, to our boss or co-workers, to our parents and children, to our most intimate romantic partner. The more intimate the relationship, the harder it is to recognize that the relationship is toxic- and the harder and more painful it is to change it.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

1. How do you FEEL around the person?

-Do you get anxious thinking about your next interaction with them? (anticipatory anxiety)

-Do you have a physical reaction? (your stomach hurts, your head spins, you feel ungrounded or unsafe)

-Are you drained emotionally and physically after you leave the toxic person?

2. How do you ACT around the person?

-Are you making excuses for or needing to constantly defend yourself and your actions?

-Do you become a person who you are not normally either by becoming overly hostile or passive?

3. Do you need to RECOVER after you leave them?

-Are you so drained emotionally and physically that you need to go to bed, eat, drink or take drugs?

-Do you swear that you will never see or interact with them like that again?

-Do you scratch your head and wonder “What was that about?”

Why is it so hard to get out of toxic relationships?

-Because we get addicted. We think we need the approval, validation and love of a person who once gave it to us.

-We keep chasing the original high, hoping it will come back to us.

-We deny the truth of the situation, because it’s painful. Who wants to admit that they are addicted to a toxic relationship. There’s an incredible amount of shame associated with that.

What to do to get out?

-Be willing to admit there is an issue.

-Because our denial is so strong around toxic relationships we need to write our feelings down and create a record of them. Keep a journal of how you feel before, during and after your interactions with your trigger person.

-Find a trusted friend or professional with whom you can test your reality. The nature of toxic relationships is that they are crazy making. They make us doubt ourselves and our self worth.

-Set boundaries. Limit your time and exposure to certain people who trigger negative emotions in you.

-Believe in yourself and trust that the universe will provide a better more loving place for you.

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Divorce Step Family Style: Dr. Hokemeyer quoted in New York Times

Written on October 4, 2012 by main in divorce, dr. Hokemeyer, Dr. Oz. Marriage counseling., Family Health, marriage counseling, Middle Aged Woman, Parenting, Sex and Relationships, Teens, Tweens & Adolescents, Uncategorized

In today’s Style section of the New York Times, Elissa Gootman penned a great article on how to negotiate relationships with step children in a divorce. I’m honored that she closed the article on a positive, up beat note that contained my discussion of how in the midst of the turmoil, make sure you are guided by love- Love of self and others! Here’s the section I’m referring to:

WHAT’S YOUR MOTIVE?

The decision to nurture former step-relationships can mean accepting certain awkward situations, like waiting in the same hospital as your former husband while your former stepdaughter-in-law gives birth to a baby who would have been your stepgrandchild.

When a client of Dr. Hokemeyer’s expressed a desire to be present at the hospital while the daughter of her longtime but now former husband gave birth, the therapist worked with her to answer what he considered the key question: what was her motive?

“When there’s a divorce, there’s a profound sense of loss, and people try to mitigate that loss by holding on to relationships that they would be better off letting go,” Dr. Hokemeyer said. “Make sure that you are acting out of genuine love and concern for the other person, and not out of anger and attempts to manipulate.” In the birth case, Dr. Hokemeyer and his client determined that her motives were pure. She genuinely cared for her ex-stepdaughter-in-law and wanted to preserve their relationship, which was meaningful and deep, though convoluted to describe

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50 Shades of Grey: What Men Can Get From Reading It.

Written on August 8, 2012 by main in dr. Hokemeyer, Dr. Oz. Marriage counseling., Family Health, Infidelity, marriage counseling, Middle Aged Woman, relationship, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health, Uncategorized

This posting by Dr. Paul Hokemeyer first appeared on the Dr. Oz website

By Paul Hokemeyer, PhD, JD
I just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey. For most of you, the book needs no introduction. It’s a hot and steamy novel that’s been a topic of conversation among women of all ages for some time now. Some of you, however, may be late to the game. If you fall into this second category, chances are you’re a woman who’s been in a coma or a man who thinks the book is “silly” and irrelevant to you.

For all the men who think 50 Shades is silly or irrelevant, I challenge your beliefs. There’s an enormous amount you can learn in its 514 pages about yourself as a sexual being and your role as a romantic partner to the woman in your life.

I also have to confess that in regard to the book, I was both late to the game and a skeptic. I’d heard about the book from nearly all of my female friends and was taken by their reaction. Without exception, the women found the book mesmerizing, wildly entertaining and incredibly erotic. What struck me most about this reaction was how it remained consistent among women of all ages, socio-economic classes and even sexual orientations. I overheard 20-year-old women giggling about it on the train, my lesbian colleague couldn’t put it down, and my 50-something-year-old Ivy League educated neighbor described it as “porn” that she found “absolutely delicious.” Finally, after one of my female friends insisted, “Paul you must read this book. It’s full of psychological stuff that you’ll find fascinating,” I decided to take the plunge and see what all the estrogen-fueled hype was about.

After devouring the book over a long weekend, I was pleased with the results of my “psychological study.” Through it, I gained great insight into what women want out of men and how we can be better lovers. For the sake of brevity, I’ve outlined what I learned in the bullet points below:
Women need to feel valued: Men often take their female partners for granted. This is especially true when the couple has been together for a while. Men need to stay attentive to the details of their partner’s lives and consciously value them as human beings.
It’s okay for men to be vulnerable and sensitive: Women love men for their strengths and for their vulnerabilities. By sharing their emotional vulnerabilities, men will strengthen their romantic relationships.
Sex is an important communication tool in a relationship: Sex is not a mechanical act. It’s a way partners communicate their desires for and respect of one another.
Sex is a whole lot more than penetration: Women want romance. Know that the journey is more important than the destination. Slow down and enjoy the scenery along the way.
Intimacy demands trust: At the heart of romantic relationships is an intimacy that is borne of trust. Women must be able to trust their men. This requires their men to be trustworthy.
While 50 Shades has a great sexual content, it also has great insight to enable men to be better partners, lovers and friends to their romantic partners. It’s a book that’s entertaining and enlightening, sexy and stimulating. Most importantly, it’s a book that need not be reserved for women only. Men can learn a great deal from it’s content. I certainly did.

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Kids and Anxiety

Written on July 25, 2012 by main in dr. Hokemeyer, Family Health, marriage counseling, Parenting, Teens, Tweens & Adolescents, Uncategorized

Dr. Hokemeyer discusses kids and anxiety on New York’s Live on the Couch

Dr. Paul Hokemeyer appears on Live on The Couch

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When a loved one has an addiction

Written on July 14, 2012 by main in Addiction, dr. Hokemeyer, Family Health, intervention, marriage counseling, relationship, Uncategorized

“If someone you love has a problem with addiction, your top priority is to take care of yourself before you can take care of anybody else. Think about the instructions you get on an airplane: “If the cabin pressure drops, secure your own oxygen mask first, then help others with theirs.” That philosophy applies here, too.

You can turn to support groups like Al-Anon (an AA spin-off for the family and friends of alcoholics) or Alateen (an offshoot of Al-Anon geared toward teenagers and preteens who are affected by the drinking of a parent or other close relative) for help. These groups are free and open to the public, and they have frequent meetings in most towns.

These fellowship groups can help you better understand your loved one’s problem with addiction. In particular, you can learn you aren’t responsible for it and that you can’t force him or her to stop. These groups also can teach you effective ways to cope as your friend or family member faces the consequences of addiction and, if all goes well, finds his or her way to recovery.

Some groups advocate “tough love” — confronting people with addiction and trying to force them to seek help while others recommend the exact opposite approach. For example, the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training) intervention encourages family members to avoid confrontation and instead use encouragement and other positive motivational strategies when trying to convince a loved one to seek help for addiction.

You also may want to seek advice and support from a therapist, clergy member, doctor, or social worker who is knowledgeable about addiction.

Interventions: How do you help a loved one who refuses help?

In an intervention, family and close friends gather with the person with addiction to discuss the issue. Historically, clinicians advocated a rather draconian approach to interventions, instructing those holding the intervention to begin by asking the identified patient to be quiet and simply listen. In this approach, the affected person had no say in the discussion, and was often given an ultimatum.

Many clinicians now favor a more interactive approach to interventions, where the person with addiction can voice concerns without fear of reproach. Contemporary intervention approaches use various devices to gain the interest of the person with addiction so that the family doesn’t have to cut ties or support.

Interventions, whether traditional or contemporary, share some common elements. At the outset, the affected person’s family and loved ones recount how the problem with addiction has affected each of them. By confronting the loved one with the consequences of the addiction, both objective and subjective, an intervention might penetrate the person’s denial and help him or her decide to seek treatment.

Don’t do this on your own

Because an intervention is a complicated and delicate process, friends and family members should not try it on their own. Seek the help of a professional — such as a doctor, therapist, or member of the clergy — who has experience with the process.

Timing is crucial. It’s best to set up an intervention shortly after an addiction-related problem has occurred and to investigate treatment options in advance.

Bear in mind that interventions can be painful and do not always work. In fact, interventions can backfire, because they can make people with addiction feel alienated from his or her support system. This can further distance them from the help they need. For these reasons, interventions should be considered only as a last resort in response to a desperate situation.”

This article is reprinted in its entirety from the July 10, 2012 Health Beat, a publication of the Harvard University Medical School

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Dr. Hokemeyer discusses Tom Cruise Katie Holmes divorce on Inside Edition

Written on July 11, 2012 by main in divorce, dr. Hokemeyer, Family Health, marriage counseling, relationship

JUL 10 2012 7:00PM ET
Nielsen Audience: N/A
The Insider

[**07:01:38 PM**] NEW DETAILS ABOUT TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES DIVORCE. VIS. DAILY NEWS. INT. STAR JONES TODAY SHOW CONTRIBUTOR. INT. DR. PAUL HOKEMETER FAMILY THERAPIST TALKS ABOUT HOW THE DIVORCE WILL EFFECT THE FAMILY. INT. SUZE ORMAN FINANCIAL EXPERT. SI. MATT BELLONI NEWS DIRECTOR THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER.

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50 Shades of Grey

Written on June 3, 2012 by main in dr. Hokemeyer, Dr. Oz. Marriage counseling., Family Health, Infidelity, marriage counseling, Middle Aged Woman, relationship, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health, Uncategorized

Is ‘Fifty Shades’ poorly written? Who really cares?

”I think that women are giving other women permission to read it and get in touch with their sexuality,” says Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a marriage and family therapist who is a frequent guest on The Dr. Oz Show. “And there’s something very normalizing about that.”

By EMILY J. MINORPalm Beach Post Staff Writer

Updated: 5:49 p.m. Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Posted: 5:48 p.m. Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My favorite side effect from the Fifty Shades books is probably the little story singer John Mayer told on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Whether it’s true or not, who knows? But Mayer says he took the first book, Fifty Shades of Grey, and actually sang a page to a woman, a possible bed partner, in an attempt to get her all ready for the sack.

Oh Anastasia. Your alabaster skin is so hot.

Who doesn’t love a little romance resulting from all this Fifty Shades madness?

Well, that and the fact that I now know what a spreader bar is, and it’s not something farmers use for fertilizing the fields.

The first time I heard about this phenom series, a trilogy – I hesitate to use the word “threesome” – was only about a month or so ago. I’m a late bloomer, a considerate understatement now that I am deep in the third book, Fifty Shades Freed, and starting to realizing what’s going on in American bedrooms.

And dining rooms. And automobiles. And boat houses.

And it’s not Saturday-night sex with a bottle of Astroglide.

There we were, my schoolteacher friend and me, barreling down Interstate 95 to attend a sporting event involving a bat, a ball, and beer, and she was screaming, and I mean screaming, as she weaved her car with the broken speedometer through fellow travelers, some of them probably Fifty Shades readers and therefore technically unfit for driving in that they were presumedly still a bit weak in the knees from Chapter 21 in the second book, Fifty Shades Darker.

OH MY GOD, she was bellowing. YOU HAVE TO READ THEM.

And I think teachers should be obeyed, much like Anastasia Steele obeys Christian Grey, unless she wants to be spanked.

There’s a lot of high-brow grousing going on right now about the series – written by a British TV executive, first launched as Internet fan fiction – that is, fantasy chapters about existing books and existing characters – and then snatched up by Random House because of the following author E L James had established online. Apparently there is a widespread literary opinion that the books – a continuing story about a young woman, a recent college grad, who falls in love with an ultra-wealthy businessman who is “fifty shades” of messed up because of his crack-addicted birth mother – are poorly written.

But I hadn’t noticed.

Erotica has been around since the dawn of time. Have you watched HBO’s Game of Thrones? My mother used to keep a tame version stashed under her bed. Remember those old True Story magazines? But what’s so different about the Fifty Shades series, I think, is how everyone’s talking about it.

Indeed, Hokemeyer speaks the truth. We’re not hiding our copies in the T-shirt drawer or under the bed. Women are reading Fifty Shades books on airplanes and in waiting rooms and while standing in line at the grocery.

In just six weeks, the series sold 10 million copies – which begs the obvious question:

Just how horny are we?

“Here’s what I think,” says Dr. Maureen Whelihan, a West Palm Beach OB/GYN who is considered a leading national expert in sexual medicine.

“I think people, especially people in long-term relationships, they don’t believe they’re horny. They don’t believe they have the drive. So when they read these books, there’s that intense dopamine surge that gets women aroused and they get a little validation that they’re not broken.”

On these matters, I completely trust Whelihan, who through the years has collected women’s intimate sexual stories, everything from bedroom practices to libido levels, then teamed up with a writer to put the stories in a book.

Yes, this is a woman who knows her sex and I’m betting Maureen Whelihan was all hip about bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism back when I still thought BDSM was the airport code for Boulder, with an extra letter thrown in for good measure.

Like maybe a clue about my cute luggage, or something?

Sex and money are two funny things in our lives. They pretty much rule how we live, from happiness to contentment to physical fulfillment, yet we don’t talk about them much. Nowadays, though, we all seem to have gone a bit haywire. Well, I should speak only for myself – a grown woman who recently started yelling “Fifty Shades, baby,” after a few mojitos.

“I really just think these books are permission-giving for women to talk to their girlfriends and to talk to other people,” Whelihan says.

And her recommendation to all the John Mayers out there?

“Don’t send her to the girls’ book club,” Whelihan says. “Read her the book. Give her a glass of wine.

“I assure you there will be frequent breaks.”

And who doesn’t want that?

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Dr. Paul Hokemeyer & Susie Smith at the 2012 Caron Gala

Written on May 28, 2012 by main in dr. Hokemeyer, Family Health, marriage counseling, Uncategorized

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Marriage in Midlife

Written on May 26, 2012 by main in dr. Hokemeyer, Dr. Oz. Marriage counseling., Family Health, marriage counseling, Middle Aged Woman, relationship, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health

My Midlife Marriage

By Paul Hokemeyer, PhD, JD

I’m getting married in less then a month. It’s the second marriage for both my fiancé and I. And it’s a very different experience from my first.

In contrast to my first marriage, my second is a lot more complicated – and a lot more meaningful. While my first was defined by the naïveté and lightness of youth, my second is defined by the heft of my midlife emotional and material accumulations.

This isn’t to say that my second marriage is inferior to my first. If that were the case, I wouldn’t do it. It’s just that it requires me to answer a more mature set of questions.

First of all, I had to get clear why I wanted to re-marry. My fiancé and I have successfully lived together for the last 10 years, so why would I want to change things? We don’t plan on having any more children and our families are definitely not pressuring us. So why go through all the fuss? Why deal with all the bother? Why risk the chance that by formalizing our relationship, we’ll destroy it?

My answers to these questions did not come quickly or easily. They were found in private thought, in loving conversations and angry debates with my fiancé, in frank conversations with friends, family members, ex-wives, and in tear-filled sessions with a gifted therapist. In short, they came by having the courage to ask hard questions and being willing to live with the answers. And the answers I reached told me to dive deeper into my relationship and wade through the uncertainties and certainties of the second half of my life – not alone, but in a religious, personal and social commitment to another human being.

My answers also showed me that while my first marriage was defined by the expansiveness of life, my second marriage is bound by an awareness of its termination. When I first married in my 20s, death was a distant and abstract construct. Now in my 40s, I’ve experienced the fragility of life concretely. In midlife, the vows I’ll take “until death do us part” resonate with a pitch that I wasn’t able to perceive fresh out of college.

While there is a great deal of joy in my midlife marriage, there’s also a fair amount of sorrow. The joy comes from my experience of loving and being loved, the acceptance and participation of our mature families, the ability to stand before God and the willingness to commit to my partner completely. The sorrow comes from knowing that just as things have beginnings, everything comes to an end, and the people who are with us today, may not be in the coming tomorrows.

This focus on the end is the most distinguishing feature of my midlife marriage. It puts into sharp relief the preciousness of life and the value of being able to share that preciousness with another person. I’m incredibly grateful for the chance to love and commit again to another person and for the awareness that comes from my midlife experiences. This time when I walk down the aisle, I’ll do so with a greater respect for the swift rush of life and gratitude for my ability to savor its bitter sweetness.

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Internet Manners

Written on May 26, 2012 by main in dr. Hokemeyer, Dr. Oz. Marriage counseling., Family Health, marriage counseling, Parenting, Teens, Tweens & Adolescents

Reacquainting the E-Generation With Human Manners

By Paul Hokemeyer, PhD, JD

In my psychotherapy practice, I treat lots of adolescents and their parents. One of the changes I’ve observed over the last five years is how children have become incredibly disrespectful of their parents. I attribute this increased disrespect to the displacement of traditional, human manners with manners learned through technology.

Because technology has taken such a prominent place in our children’s lives, the E-Generation has begun treating their parents and other family members like they treat their computers and smart phones. These manners are based on a blurring of the line between warm-blooded human beings and virtual ones. Some of the beliefs the E-generation has come to possess are as follows:

1. People are easily replaced.

The E-Generation is no longer interested in cultivating deep relationships with other people. Like their electronic devices, they’ve come to believe there’s a “better model” coming along. In addition, with such an abundance of virtual communities and friends to choose from, they feel no need to invest emotional energy in any one person.

2. Relationships are shallow and cryptic.

Our children have become a society of “texters”. In this capacity, people are objects to be dealt with as briefly and as quickly as possible.

3. People are disposable.

An incoming text, email or call breaks off connection with the person we are with and tells them they are not important or valued. While generations before learned to multi-task, the E-Generation has learned to multi-relate. They juggle multiple relationships across the technological spectrum.

4. People are annoying.

Warm-blooded people take too much time and energy. Virtual people are easier to deal with. They don’t require an emotional investment.

5. Quantity is better than quality.

Friendship is no longer about the quality of one’s connection with another human being, but rather the speed with which one can accumulate a multitude of virtual friends.

People do not have digital hearts.

In contrast to electronic devices, people have feelings, intuition and an appreciation for nuanced communication. We derive our sense of well-being and identity in large measure on our interactions with other people. Interactions that are based in mutual respect, empathy and love fill us up. In contrast, interactions that are abrupt, rude and brief diminish our sense of well-being and leave us feeling we’ve received less than we deserve.

How Parents Can Reacquaint Their Kids With Traditional, Human Manners

While I recognize technology’s incredible value, I also recognize its capacity to diminish the respect due to family members. To guard against this phenomenon, families need to reacquaint their children with the following basic manners.

Insist family members communicate with each other respectfully using “please” and “thank you.”
Prohibit the use of electronic devices at all meals.
Children should be required to address their parents as “Mom” or “Dad.”
Children should address other adults as “Mr.” or “Ms.”
Parents need to be fully present when talking to their children. They should ignore incoming calls and refrain from checking their smart phones for messages.
Children should be required to show the same respect to their parents. When their parents are talking to them, children need to put down or completely turn off their electronic devices.

Parents need to teach their children that traditional, human manners are important. Human manners afford us the time and space to be present with each other in a way that celebrates our existence. While we learn a great deal from electronic technology, it will never replace to value of loving family relationships. Technology may enhance our minds, but traditional, human manners enhance our families’ hearts and souls.

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